Positive Parenting Approaches

Or 

What are you going to do now?

 
Here are some tips for Positive Parenting approaches that you can use to teach your kids a new way to think and behave. This stuff works! Just remember, like learning anything else, it takes a lot of practice – for both the parent and the child!

Not by Appointment

The first thing to keep in mind is that your child did not wake up this morning and decide that today at 2:17 PM I am going to throw such a fit – the likes of which have not yet been seen and I'll do it for no reason what-so-ever. 

The negative behavior by your child was not by appointment, or pre-planned.

Behavior, positive or negative is in response to a need, and is an attempt by the child to communicate that need with the intention of filling that need. Behavior is for a reason and serves a purpose. It is your job as a parent to figure out what that need is and to teach your child an acceptable and positive way of filling that need. That is what positive parenting is all about.

Teach Critical Thinking Skills 

The best thing to teach your kids is to be able to think for them-selves when faced with a difficult situation and to use critical thinking skills to arrive at an acceptable course of action. With Positive Parenting, you need to use divergent (open-ended) questions, which is a fancy way of saying to ask them something that requires a little more thought than a yes or no answer.

Asking Questions

Here are some questions you can use to help your child to think for themselves:

1. How can we find a solution to (specific problem or issue)?

2. Is what you are doing right now helping or hurting the situation?

3. What do you need right now in order to improve this (situation)?

When you are asking them questions, it is a good idea to have a pad of paper and start writing down what they say. One: you can show them later that, yes, they did say that (kids have such selective little memories) and Two: when they see you writing down what they are saying, they get the idea that you are not only interested in what they say, but that you are actually listening to them. They will usually stop whatever negative behavior that had been doing while they are figuring out whether or not you are serious and they start thinking about what you are asking them.

And suddenly, the crisis is past, the situation has been defused, they have been redirected from their prior inclinations and are engaged in trying to resolve the situation and provide you with their valuable opinions and suggestions. Poof! OK – with Positive Parenting you do have to be patient and consistent, but you are not only teaching them a new way to behave, you are also teaching them a new way to think.

Be Mindful of the Here and Now

Keep in mind that you will need to tailor your questions to the level of the child, based on age, developmental level, understanding and abilities. Ask yourself these three questions before you intervene:

1. What am I feeling right now?

2. What does my child need or want?

3. What influence does the environment have on this situation and its resolution?

It is important to be mindful of your current emotional state – calm works the best – voice, tone, body language, active listening and body language. Have a tool box of ready of divergent questions that require them to think before answering. 

Actively listen to them – this may actually be their need! Get them to come up with a plan of what they could do next time, and other alternatives. Something they could actively do the next time they are in the same situation. Acknowledge their efforts and achievements. Be positive, cause that is using Positive Parenting!

Stop It! Stop it NOW!

So, how do you put the ka-bosh on unacceptable behavior? Well, you, as the parent have 4 choices when face with negative behavior. You can:

1. Permit it

2. Tolerate it

3. Stop it

4. Prevent it

Your Own Toolbox

Obviously, the best choice is keep it from happening in the first place – Prevent it. Great. How do you do that? Positive Parenting will teach your kids to think for themselves and to find alternative ways of handling situations that produce that kind of behavior. Find ways of diverting their thoughts away from behaving badly to behaving the way you want them to behave. Have a ready “toolbox” of things to do and say to keep a situation from reaching crisis level and redirecting them back to positive behavior.

A good one that has been very successful, especially if used consistently, is the “what are you supposed to be doing now?” question. If the child is old enough and developmentally enough to be able to respond, this one works great. Most kids do know what they are supposed to be doing – or how they are supposed to be acting, and can tell you so. In fact, they can probably tell you how you are supposed to be acting!

 
Once they have stopped and answered the “what are you supposed to be doing” question, you have their attention, follow it up with the “Well, what are you doing?” question. At this point, the behavior has stopped, you have their attention, and they are actively engaged in providing answers, so you can turn this moment into teaching them to think for themselves and solve their own problems. 

Ask the “what can you do now to be doing what you are supposed to?” question – now they are thinking of solutions. Acknowledge every solution – no matter how off the wall – and respond appropriately, until they come up with a workable solution that can be implemented right then and there.

Another good one is the: “Can you think of a better way you could have handled this situation?” is great for following up a “slight lapse in judgment”. Get them to think of several different solutions to any given situation. This exercises their critical thinking skills as well as problem solving, decision making, and encourages independent thought and action.

The Public Tantrum 

OK, defusing the younger child’s public tantrum using Positive Parenting. First of all, do not be angry with a child for acting like a child – or the older developmentally challenged child for being developmentally appropriate. Look at your own feelings first. Are you upset because the child needs to be taught appropriate public behavior and you have not been successful in doing so. 

Or are you upset because you are embarrassed? Positive parenting cannot be reactive.

If you are dying of embarrassment, get over it now. This has worked for me and my kids. There they are -  lying on the floor – flopping and screaming at the top of their lungs (sound familiar?) so I got down next to them on the floor and started doing the same thing - only better. “You are not doing it right” or “No, like this” or “louder, they can’t hear you over in produce” and trust me – they will stop and look at you like you are crazy! And look – they stopped throwing a fit! 

I bet they can’t even remember what the tizzy was about in the first place because you gave them such a shock! A few times of that and I didn’t have to get down on the floor with them, just started in with the “you’re not doing it right” or the “louder, they can’t hear you” lines and they either stop and glare – or bust out laughing! Either way – mission accomplished. And now you can use the Positive Parenting approach and ask the "What could you have done..." question and turn what could have been a disaster to a learning/teaching situation. 

Plan ahead; be mindful of your own feelings and response, use the input your child provides, and be ready to intervene in the situation before it escalates. Be consistent, teach and model the behavior you expect from them, and always recognize their effort in success and failure.

That is using Positive Parenting!

Child in Crisis 

Here are some ways an adult (that is you) can use Positive Parenting to help your child in crisis:

1. Choose your battles (ask your self if this is worth it?)

2. Use active listening skills (full attention, re-phrase to assure understanding)

3. Use verbal and non-verbal communication (show them as well as tell them)

4. Don’t jump to conclusions – dig deeper to find the real need or what really happened (called finding the “Big Need”)

5. Consistently model the behavior you expect from them. (no more -  do as I say not as I do)

6. Watch your own actions. Avoid sarcasm or “playing around”

7. Be mindful of what your body language is saying (your mouth, too!)

8. Above all – stay calm – do not let emotions control your response

9. Acknowledge success – recognize their efforts through success and failure.

Finding the Positive

Here is something you can do to help create a positive home environment and compliment your Positive Parenting approach. No matter how negative you think things are, or how bad, or how often you are dealing with your child and crisis – find one thing everyday that is good and positive about yourself – and about your child. Tell your child something positive about them everyday. If you do this, you will find that although it is very hard at first, it gets easier the more you do it. And the better the relationship between you and your child becomes. 

Try it, do it consistently and you will see things start to change.

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