Are there parenting skills that you can use for real life, everyday situations? Here are a few things that you can use each and everyday to bring a little calm back to the chaos. 

And the number one parent mistake is...

The number one mistake parents make - this is any parent mind you - is they simply talk too much. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to stop myself with the question “am I really trying to reason with a 4 year old?” Children, both young and the older ones, simply do not reason with the same logic as an adult, and all the talking in the world will not change that fact – or their minds!

Too much talking simply does not work and usually will backfire on you, the parent, as you become drawn into the cycle of conflict with your child. Simple, straightforward and calm instructions - and then close the mouth. It is hard, trust me, I know. I have always been the “lecture daddy” and could pull lecture number 32 out of thin air, but learning how to control your mouth is the first step in teaching them to control theirs. Now that is a logical statement and a parenting skill that makes sense.

So, if too much talking is number one, what falls in place as a close second? The thing that usually goes hand in hand with the talking and that is too much emotion. That is the thing that escalates the “too much talking” into a good old fashioned yelling match. Well, you shouldn’t be mad at a child for being a child!

Why on earth shouldn’t you show your emotions to your child? Because that may be one of the reasons behind their behavior in the first place. Huh?

Children feel little - because they are little

Children feel little, powerless, and inferior because in truth they really are -  as compared to adults. They are smaller, less privileged, less skillful, less experienced, less responsible, not quite as smart and whole lot less of everything else than their parents. How would that make you feel? For them, they do not like it, and will consequently behave in a manner which will provide situations and reactions that helps them to feel, well. bigger.  They will try to get a reaction out of YOU!

Button Pushing

They learn very early in life how to push your buttons, their siblings, and they just KNOW how to make grandma and grandpa fawn all over them! Is it manipulation? You bet. But why? Because it helps them feel bigger and more powerful than they really are. They got big ole you upset. Don’t fall for it! Use these parenting skills to stay out of that trap (get it – the parent trap...)

There are a few parents out there with a natural flair for drama that can turn it on and off like a light switch, but the rest of us really have to work at learning how to apply these parenting skills. When their behavior is not producing the reaction they desire, they will change their behavior. Of course, it is up to you to teach them the behavior that you want to see.

How far can I go?

Children go through the “testing boundaries” stages quite often (it seems to us parents anyway) and it is up to you to know what they are doing. Testing children are offering you a deal that sounds something like this: “All you have to do is give me what I want and this (insert behavior – screaming, kicking, spitting, crying, tantrums, pestering, threatening, etc.) will stop right now.” Do NOT accept their deal or the trouble will continue indefinitely. You have just reinforced improper behavior and validated their technique of getting what they want. Be consistent. Be firm. Be patient. But most of all remember to keep your mouth closed and your emotions on a tight leash. After all, who is the parent?

Be Consistent - Be Patient

These parenting skills will work when applied to any child of any age, disability, or severity of behavior. Depending on your special kid’s challenges, you may need to modify your approach, but the basic technique of getting down at their level, looking them in the eye and giving clear, simple, positive instructions in a calm direct manner. And then shutting up and letting them do it. Being consistent (and patient!) is vital to making ANY parenting technique work.

Intermittent Reinforcement

The hardest behavior to change is one that has been intermittently reinforced, which just means that they got away with it once or twice. That gives your child the knowledge, based on experience, that all they have to do is hold out long enough, or shout loud enough, or make a very public display, and you will cave in to their wishes. That is a mistake (and it does happen ALL the time) you do not want to make. Be consistent, and keep at it, because it may take a while to “undo” the past and for your child to realize it simply will not work. They will get it – and you will realize too, that these parenting skills do work!